One of the most common things I hear from clients isn’t always about what’s happening in their lives—but about what’s happening in their minds.
A kind of running commentary.
You might notice it after a conversation, replaying what you said. Or when something doesn’t go to plan. Or even when things are going well.
It might sound like:
- “Why did I say that?”
- “That was stupid.”
- “I should be doing better than this.”
- “What’s wrong with me?”
- “I’m just not good enough”
Over time, this voice can start to feel constant—and convincing.
Where Does This Voice Come From?
Most people don’t just suddenly become harsh towards themselves, nor are we born with an automatic negative narrative.
This kind of internal voice is usually something that’s been learned over time. It can develop through:
- Early experiences where you felt criticised, judged, or not quite “enough”
- Environments where there were high expectations or little room for mistakes
- Relationships where you learned to monitor yourself closely
In therapy, we sometimes think of this as an internalised critical voice—almost like a part of you that has taken on that role.
It sounds very convincing. It can feel like it’s telling the truth. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it is.
The Cycle of Self-Criticism and Shame
For many people, this isn’t just a one-off thought—it becomes a pattern. It can look something like this:
- Something happens (a mistake, a difficult interaction, or even just a feeling)
- The critical voice kicks in
- You feel shame, guilt, anxiety, or not good enough
- You try to cope (overthinking, people-pleasing, withdrawing, overworking)
- The cycle continues—often reinforcing the same beliefs
Over time, this can become exhausting. Even when you can see the pattern, it can still feel very hard to step out of.
“But It Helps Me Stay in Control…”
One of the more difficult parts of this is that the critical voice can sometimes feel useful. You might notice:
- It pushes you to do better
- It tries to stop you making mistakes
- It keeps you “on track”
So part of you might feel like letting go of it would mean losing control. But often, the cost is high. Instead of motivating in a sustainable way, it can lead to:
- Burnout
- Anxiety
- Low self-worth
- Feeling like nothing you do is ever quite enough
Why It’s So Hard to Just “Be Kinder to Yourself”
You may have already tried to challenge this voice. You might tell yourself:
“I shouldn’t think like this”
“I need to be more positive”
But it doesn’t tend to shift easily. That’s because this isn’t just about thinking differently—it’s about unlearning something that’s been learned and reinforced over time. It often sits at a deeper, emotional level.
How Therapy Can Help
In therapy, we don’t just try to silence or get rid of this voice. Instead, we begin to:
- Understand where it comes from
- Notice when it shows up and how it affects you
- Gently create some space between you and that voice
- Explore what might sit underneath it
Often, there are other parts of you there too—parts that feel vulnerable, unsure, or in need of support. As therapy progresses, something different can begin to develop. Not forced positivity. But a more balanced, less punishing way of relating to yourself.
A Small Place to Start
If any of this feels familiar, a simple first step can be just noticing. Noticing:
- The tone of your inner voice
- When it tends to show up
- What it says—and how it makes you feel
You don’t need to change it straight away. Just beginning to recognise it as a voice, rather than absolute truth, can be an important shift.
You’re Not the Only One
If you struggle with a harsh inner voice, you’re not alone. It’s something I see very often in clients—and it’s something that can change over time with the right support.
I offer a space where we can begin to understand these patterns together, at a pace that feels manageable for you. If you’d like to explore this further, you’re welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.